Hanger & Love

It is now 9:41AM and I’m fucking HANGRY AS FUCK.

Today I was scheduled to get both an LP with chemo as well as a bone marrow biopsy, but GUESS FUCKNG WHAT?!

They changed the order late last night! FUCKING AWESOME.

So now I’ve been NPO since midnight and I JUST WANT TO FUCKING EAT AND I CAN’T! Because not only did they change the order, but they fucking split it up too! Which means that today I’ll get my biopsy done AT SOME POINT and then I’ll get my LP done SOME OTHER FUCKING DAY.

WHOOP DE FUCKING DO! 

So there’s that. And my belly is still bloated as FUCK. It’s like I swallowed a fuckinng watermelon. And no matter now much I poop IT WON’T FUCKING DEFLATE!

And also, I was woken up this morning by the nose doctor people who wanted to scope my fucking nose again at SIX FUCKING AM. Like, I need sleep, people! Not even beauty sleep at this point, just normal person sleep, and I can’t even get that apparently! And I have to pee, but I’m pretty comfy in bed and this is like the last good thing that I have going for me right now. Well, that and the fact that Tim is here šŸ™‚ I guess that makes me pretty happy, too, now that I think about it. He’s all snuggled in the chair next to me and it makes me smile… okay, I guess I’m feeling better now!

He woke up when the nose people came in and we started watching a WWI documentary again (we were watching it last night and stopped because we were both really sleepy) and then we fell asleep again because, well, it was early as hell and sleep is a good thing.

Anyway, this was a healthy little rant that resulted in me realizing that although I’m still hungry as shit, life is still pretty good because Tim is here and he works wonders  on my heart and soul. So S/O to Tim for being some of the best medication I could have! (Suck it up and deal with my sappyness, people!)

Actually, since I’m on the subject of Tim, I think I’ll delve into the topic a bit more. So, as per usual, buckle up cause I’m not entirely sure where this ride will go!

So Tim is kind of the best. When this whole thing started back in September 2015 and my life was thrown into a massive tailspin I gave him an out. I felt like this was a huge bomb to have dropped on anyone, and although I was (and am) crazy about that kid I felt guilty dragging him along on the newly found shitshow that was my life. So I gave him an out. I told him straight up that if he wanted to leave he could, I just wanted him to be honest with me. I had zero expectations of him to willingly tag along in this new adventure, and I didn’t want to be an anchor that held him down or held him back from living his life or doing what he wanted to do. I mean, sure I hoped he would stick with me, but I totally understood if he wanted to leave, and if this whole cancer ordeal was too much. That’s the worst part about having cancer, really, is how it impacts the people around you.

But Tim stuck with me. There was never a moment that his loyalty wavered, never a moment that I felt him flinch about his choice to stick around and be with me through the awful days that would ensue. Of all the things that he’s done for me, staying with me through all of this has been the greatest gift of all.

When I relapsed, he was in Oklahoma for a six-month stint for work, and I was unable to talk to him face to face when I received the news. So I had to call him (I figured a text was not really appropriate for sharing the news) and tell him what had happened. I had toyed with the texting idea, but I couldnt’t get myself to type the worlds “I relapsed” because it made it seem to real, and I was definitely in denial for a good chunk of time. But saying it was even harder, and he was the first person I told about the relapse.

He managed to get out of work for a moment to call me, and I had to hike up my big girl panties and muster the strength to say “I relapsed”… which proved even harder than typing it. I had gotten myself under control (I thought), but when I told him, I broke down into sobs. It wasn’t so much the fact that I had relapsed, I realized, but the fact  that here was this great man who stuck with me through the first go-around of cancer and stuck with me through the thick and thin without a moment of hesitation, and now I was going to put him through it again.

And how lucky was I to have him stick with me through the first round?? Like never would I have excpected someone to stay with me through such an ordeal, and now, now I was asking him to go through all of it all over again. All the struggles and the uncertainty.

So again I offered him an out. Because no one should be expected to go through this shit once, let alone fucking twice. And I think it was more for my well being that I offered an out again. Because, really, cancer is such a shit show. It really is. And, like, fuck, no one should have to be roped into it; dragged along through the mud, through the unknowing. So again I told him that if he had to leave, he could. I just wanted him to know that again, it was ok if he had to leave. Because it can’t be easy being in the position that he was in.

It broke my heart just as much the second time as it did the first time. Here was this kid that I loved so much, and I was giving him permission to back out. Like how fucked up is that? That I would feel so guilty about being sick and having him along for the ride. Gah. It’s so shitty. I still feel guilty about it. Like I’m writing this through tears right now. Maybe it’s because I’m tired and still kind of hangry, but really it’s more than that, too.

I joke with Tim, saying that he’s the one who was supposed to make this relationship difficult, because I knew what I was getting into what with him being in the military and all, but now here I am… making things difficult in a different regard. And that’s part of why I feel so guilty, I think. Because I knew what I was getting into, but he didn’t. And now I’m all kinds of difficult and unpredictable that neither one of us could have ever really been prepared for.

But anyways, he’s still sticking with me. And that fills me with so much love and appreciation, even if there is still some guilt because how the hell can someone power through such shit with me?! Like how is the even possible for someone to be so unflinchingly faithful and supportive and amazing? It boggles my mind. It really does. And I love it, I love it so much– but I love him more.

Update: I’m sitting on the toilet pooping while I write this, just thought you all should know! And now I’m down in pre-op waiting to go back for a bone marrow biopsy– remember I mentioned that earlier? Well it’s still at 11:15 I guess, so now I’m down here! I think my plan will be to stop writing now and then see where things go when I wake up and am drugged up– yknow, just to see what else I happen to write about. Until then– I bid you adieu!

Well I’m back, and pretty drugged up. So basically I decided I’m going to shut up with this post and eat food because I’m STARVING.

So yeah, gonna eat up some food real good and then probably pass TF out. Also, my butt hurts. Well, my iliac crest, but basically my butt.

Cheers and happy Monday, y’all!

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