I choose…

Well, as it goes a lot has happen since I last posted.

Turns out that this last round of chemo didn’t do the trick and I still have blasts.

Fuck.  Fuckin’ FUCK! Fuck. FUCK! FUCK! 

So that’s pretty shitty. This was the hard-hitting chemo that was supposed to work. That was supposed to kick ass and get me back into remission and it didn’t FUCKING WORK. So yeah, that’s pretty damn fucked up. Fucking hell.

So yeah. I guess we’re working on the next plan of action, then. Which seems to be the alternate option I was initially given– the outpatient oral chemo that will happen over a couple of months.

But it’s okay. It really is.

I was pissed off and angry initially– and definitely devastated– but it’s okay now. I’m at peace with the idea. I trust my gut and my gut says that everything is going to be okay and that everything is going to work out.

It’s a relief, really. I decided that instead of dreading all of this, and being afraid of what’s to come, I’ll take it all in stride.

I choose to be okay with this. I choose to accept what’s going on. And holy shit let me tell you it makes such a god damn difference to just take a deep breath and decide that, yknow what? It’s all good. It is. It’s okay. That’s not to say that there won’t still be tears of frustration, anger, or sadnesss, but I’m so much more at peace with everything that’s going on.

It will all be okay. Because I believe that. I choose to believe it, and so it will be. I just gave to be patient and let everything work itself out.

So anyway, that’s kind of what’s going on. I’m not in remission. The two rounds of chemo didn’t work like they were supposed to. So now we will be trying the oral stuff , I guess. Which, as I understand, will be partially outpatient which is nice. I also think that it will be “easier” in a couple senses that maybe my hair won’t fall out, and that I can be at home and have a little more freedom which would be nice. As for CHOP and transplant, I’m not sure where I’m at with that. But again, I’m okay with that. I’ll figure it out as I go and everything will be okay. Just have to take a deep breath and let everything fall into place, which I’m sure that it will.

Life’s good. Everything is good. Just have to give it some time.

Also, it’s like 3AM so if there are more typos than usual that’s probably why.

I do feel okay with all of this. I really do. My gut tells me that everything is going to work out how it’s supposed to, and I trust that. Deciding not to be scared is a big decision, and I’m so much happier having decided to take it all in stride and not be fearful if what is to come. Life is too short for that shit!

In other news, I’ve been started on insulin and have been having my blood sugar checked like five times a day. That’s whatever, too. I guess the steroids that I’m on fuck with my sugar levels and so they have to monitor them and all that. They don’t think that I’m diabetic (yet?) but they need to keep an eye on it regardless. It’s a bit annoying, but hell it’s really not that big of a deal.

See? I choose to not be overly worried.

God damn it’s so nice just being at peace with all of this shit. It makes life so much easier. I wish I had chosen to do this sooner.

Fuckin’ hell, though. As OK as I am with all of this, I’d sure as hell be ok being done with it all, yknow? Like, shit, man. Lemme be normal!

And that’s that for now, I’ve been pretty swept up with things. Oh! Also I have a nasty fungal infection that has presented itself as these grody lesions on my skin. The dermatologist man took a biopsy of one on my leg and determined it was Fusarium(?) so now I have three cute stitches in my thigh. ID (infectious disease) stopped by to check it out and I had like six people poke and prod at it so they could learn about it (being a guinea pig is just the the best) especially when they’re like “does it hurt??” And I reply “only if you really poke at it” and then they proceed to poke it a fuckton. Like wtf?? I am not going to be working in the medical field, if you didn’t already pick up on that. I’ve done my time with medical shit, I ain’t gonna be having anything to do with it when this is all over. Fuck that.

What else? I know I said that was about it, but let’s be real there’s probably totally more.

Oh! I think I mentioned the pooling of blood/spinal fluid in my upper back? Maybe? I could check but hell where’s the fun in that when I can just relive it and tell it again.

As as result of the LP’s (lumbar punctures) and intrathecal chemo there was pooling of blood/spinal fluid between my shoulder blades. As a result, my back spasmed a lot and it was pretty much one of the worst pains I have ever felt. When it flaired up all I could do was just writhe in pain. It shot down my arms and into the palms of my hands, and there was nothing that could really be done about it.

It fucking sucked ass. But the good news is that I got morphine which worked fucking WONDERS and it was only maybe a week that I had to deal with the discomfort which was nice, and the pain has since gone away.

I did have to sit through a 2 hour MRI though, and that was pretty exciting. Thank god for Benadryl, morphine and Ativan! That lovely little concoction made the time pass more easily than it would have otherwise.

And yeah! That’s kind of where I’m at with things. This was a sort of sleepy-half-assed post but I figured it was about time for an update on things. Stay tuned for more updates, they’ll hopefully be more frequent since I have already started a couple. Also, I’m open for suggestions and question! So if there is anything you want me to address or are curious about just let me know and I’ll be happy to talk about anything!

Love to all of you!

5 thoughts on “I choose…

  1. How the he** do you make me laugh a big belly laugh when you are going through so much pain? You are crazy awesome. Power to the Katie! LOVE 2 you!


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