So the past couple of days have been pretty shitty to be completely honest.
The lumbar punctures pack a punch, When they take out the fluid and inset the chemo there’s often a period of time where your spinal cord/fluid is all wacky and they’re like “what the fuck? We lost our mojo.” And then it’s a whole lovely process of having shit figure out how to return to equilibrium.
In the past it hasn’t been too terrible; usually just a throbbing headache that goes away with the help of the Almighty Tylenol. But the past few– fuck– they were real sons of bitches lemme tell you.
So the worst of it started like four days ago, and my neck and shoulders were fucking killing me. It was so bad that I was literally on the floor sobbing, writhing in pain. There was no position I could find that could alleviate the excruciating pain that was spasming in electric pulses along my upper spine. The pain shot down through my arms, and right to the center of my palms.
At some point around this particular incident, I had a float nurse come to take care of me. Since I’m not getting any chemo, really, my primary nurses are tending to the kids needing chemo, so I get these float nurses. Which is all fine and dandy. Until I have to do their fucking job for them! Like what the actual hell??
This one night, my back flaired up and I was again writhing in pain, trying desperately to find any source of relief, and this nurse comes in and just fucking STANDS there and watches as I shrivel into a ball of agony and tears. Like… who the fuck does that?? I get feeling helpless, but do a bitch a favor and offer at least some pain meds or get the fuck out because pitiful eyes and awkward glances sure as hell aren’t doing me any good! FUCK!
Oh, on another note, the same lady didn’t know how to give platelets.
Let me repeat that for you: SHE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE PLATELETS.
I’m trusting this lady with my fucking life and it’s fucking THREE IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING and there are THREE– THREE — nurses in my fucking room trying to teach her how to give me platelets. Good news: I’m still alive. Bad News: I’m still a bit bitter.
Annnnnyway, where were we? Ah yes the back spasms and the pain of a billion suns.
I ended up getting an MRI of my spine to see if they could locate the source of the pain, and it was found that I had some hematoma-y pockets of fluid around the top of my spine that was potentially causing the nerve endings to be stretched in uncomfortable ways. As a result, they decided to hold off on any more LP’s until the issue is resolved (thank God!).
So in the mean time, I have this lovely cocktail of meds on top of what I already get that seems to be working well. The only down side is that I’m usually coming off one type of pain killer/muscle relaxer before the next bout kicks in.
Anyway. Yeah. So that’s pretty much where we’re at currently, day 51 or 52 maybe? Time flies when you’re having fun I suppose.
Also, celebrated my 23rd birthday in the hospital– the first one since I was born! I’m looking forward to the years to come, though, when I can look back at all this shit and laugh, knowing that I finally beat this mother fucker once and for all.
There are still those down days where I’m sad, but in general, I think I’m even more of a bad ass bitch warrior this time around. I’m not taking any shit. And honestly, compared to all my other times of having been in the hospital, this time it quite a bit of fun (well, in general). I’m pals with the nurses and docs, I look forward to rounds in the morning because we exchange fun facts for the day, the people who clean the room are absolute delights… everyone is so wonderful. And as much as I dislike being in the hospital, and as much as I feel like a crabby bitch some days, these people are my people and I love them. They look out for me and that’s a feeling that, even when I’m feeling like my spine is being ripped from my body by the razored talons of some hell-beast, gives me an extra push to man up and face this wild ride.
I mean, shit. I’ve kind of been dealt a shitty hand (if you couldn’t already tell), but it is what it is and I’m so fortunate to have some many people behind me. Not a single day goes by where I am not thankful and deeply humbled. Now I really have to beat this whole cancer thing or else I’ll feel like a total asshole! Hahaha, but really though. You all are the best. I don’t know where I’d be without a single one of you!
Wait, okay, so yeah I guess the update was that we’re waiting for my shit to figure its shit out so that we can proceed with another MRI and LPs. Not out of the woods quite yet, my dear readers! But ya gotta take it one day at a time, or even one step at a time as the case may be.
But there will be an end in sight. And I’ll be victorious!