Once More Into the Fray

Well, apparently the last round of chemo didn’t put me into remission, so there’s that.

We’ve all learned quite a bit these last few days– well, okay, it’s been more like a week but still. The dumb doctors come in and gave me three options (really though they only gave me two):

1) high intensity chemo that will kick my ass (probably)

2) moderate intensity chemo that will probably take 2-3+ rounds to achieve remission. This option is also a mix of inpatient and outpatient treatments

3) do nothing but symptom management because “at this point it would be completely understandable if I didn’t want to do anything” ??????? What the actual FUCK though?????

So anyway, those were the options that they gave me (which as you can see, they really only gave me two options because FUCK that last one). I was iffy about which one to choose out of the top two, but was leaning towards #1. Going into this I decided to go in guns a-blazing, ready to fuck this cancer shit up once and for all, and option #1 definitely was the kick-ass option… even if it meant kicking my ass in the process. But then at the same time the idea of being able to be home was quite tempting, though doing a treatment a month for several months didn’t exactly seem like fun– I want this shitshow to be over as quickly as possible because I am so fucking tired of all this bullshit. But, just because I’m tired absolutely does NOT mean that I’m ready to throw in the towel. In fact, I’m angry, stubborn and feelin’ dangerous.

So anyway, long story short, I decided to do the high intensity option. It will be comprised of four different chemos and will be given over seven days, and then a final dose of one chemo will be given around day 14. Today is day 0.

Provided that this round puts me into remission, I will (at some point relatively soon after the completion of the regimen) go to CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) for my transplant. The shitty thing about my situation is that I’m “old”, meaning I’m in this kind of weird place between pediatric and adult, and I’ve also already undergone a lot of chemo and another transplant.

The thing with leukemia is that although the cells are fucking stupid as shit in the sense that they’re fucked up stupid idiots, they’re also really fucking smart at adapting to treatments and sort of “evolving”, making repeated courses of chemo potentially less effective. And the fact that I’ve already had a transplant puts me in a weird spot because I guess that means that I’m really only eligible for studies as opposed to an actual straight-up transplant. So that’s kind of shitty. However, the good news is that we did find a study that I’m able to be a part of. Once I’m in remission, we will head down that route, using my older brother Mickey as the donor (we’re haploid matches, meaning 50% of our bone marrow markers match).

So that’s kinda the outlook at this point.

Today’s agenda is an exciting one– I get a bone marrow biopsy as well as a lumbar puncture (never had one of those before! So they’re gonna, well, puncture my lumbar and put chemo into my spine, so that’s pretty neat, super duper pumped for that shit) and then start some of the other chemos as well. The good news is that I will be knocked the fuck out with propafol (that shit is the shit!!!!). 

The bad news is that I’m NPO until after my procedure, which is scheduled for 1:15 in the fucking afternoon!! SHIT FUCK!

I’m hungry as shit and I can’t eat, I can’t even drink! Do you know how horrible that is?? The past couple days I haven’t been overly hungry in the morning, but now that I know I can’t eat my scumbag stomach is whining that life is so terribly unfair and I’m over here like NO FUCKIN’ SHIT, BELLY! Story of my life!

Anyway, I’m anxious for this whole process to begin, but I’m feeling good about getting started at the same time. I’m ready to be done with this bullshit and get back to normal… again… and this time for good.

Shit’s fucked, yo. But imma fuck shit up even more!

I can’t believe the docs gave me the choice to not do anything… like, do you fucking know me? I’m stubborn as they come, and I’m a badass bitch that don’t take no shit! I might be tired, but I’m not tired.

I’m angry. I’m stubborn. And right now, I’m STARVING.

That’s a dangerous combination, I don’t think this cancer shit knows what it’s in for.

And so we’re off– once more into the fray.

4 thoughts on “Once More Into the Fray

  1. I am inspired that you are a young woman who doesn’t give up against the big odds. You inspire with your sense of humanity, humor, courage, strength, and indomitable spirit. You are the one with American Woman Power!


  2. Hay young girl..i really enjoy reading your blog. I am a doctor,,and not so many person can describe their feeling the way you do. very atractive and natural. Your body maybe sick but i am definitely sure you can handle this. Stay positive..cheer up. God be with you..
    you go girl!!


  3. Hi kiddo, I’m sitting up on 9 reading your blog. Hope your LP wasn’t horrible. Say hi to your mom and dad. I work 6p-6a 3 days a week in OB, can run down any time if you need a visit in the middle of the night. Just message me. Let me know what you need. Prayers, love and hugs. Connie


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