It’s no big surprise that when your body is pumped full of chemicals the results are pretty impressive. The hair falls out (except for the armpit and leg hair– how unfair is that?), fatigue sets in as counts drop, nausea is an almost constant occurrence… and then there are the chemo farts.
The subject of Chemo Farts was delicately addressed in the last post, Pube Soup, but prepare for a more in-depth look into what exactly a “Chemo Fart” is.
Chemo Farts are much like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles*. Prior to radiation exposure (or, in the case of Chemo, chemical exposure), they’re normal. Nothing special. Maybe alarming if they appear in the wrong situation, but really nothing harmful. But add that radiation (or Chemo), and you’ve just opened up a whole other can of worms…
What was once harmless, and possibly even adorable (yes, we’re still talking about both turtles and farts), turns into some mutated version of it’s former self, living in sewers (my chemical-filled bowels), developing deadly ninja skills (or scents), and possibly even taking to enjoying a nice pizza every now and again (ok, that one was mostly about the turtles, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my Chemo Farts became their own entity).
Also like the Ninja Turtles, my Chemo Farts are hard on the outside, and soft and juicy on the inside. We are now discussing the topic of Chemo Fart Development. A topic I assume is not covered in most public schools.
The Development of a Chemo Fart, as decided by Katie Stimac, goes something like this:
First the gas passes over shit somewhere along its way, and then gathers in the bowels. This is often felt in the lower abdomen as gurgling. The gas, which is already marinated with a distinctly shitty and very fragrant scent, is then laced with a hearty dose of left over Chemo. This is a very special, very potent kind of smell… like decaying flesh combined with poop and possibly even a little bit of robust rotting food aroma to round it out.
When the Chemo Fart has matured into adulthood and passes through the puckered door into the world, it blesses a solid ten-foot perimeter with its heavy, vulgar scent. Initially, though, on its journey to the world, it boasts a hard casing, which allows for a delightfully musical tone as it exits the anus. Then, the malodorous scent percussively blooms in its new environment, rolling in a palpable fog of foulness.
The point is, they’re fucking disgusting. They feel dangerous coming out, so what does that tell you? The US Government could bottle my Chemo Farts and use them as a form of what would it be? Biological warfare? Fuck. Anyway, that’s what I have to say about Chemo Farts at the moment. They’re so nasty and important that I had to make them a proper noun. I don’t know. I only have some college under my belt so don’t hold me to any standards here, my experience has come from a much different setting than a college campus. Well, that’s not entirely true… I guess Mott’s is sort of part of U of M’s campus. Damn, now I have no excuses!
Thus concludes my Chemo Fart description… I’m sure they’ll appear more in this blog at some point. But for now, I shall conclude!
*I have about zero knowledge of TMNT, so… yeah. Just know that.